|1||An accountant is visiting his doctor one day; feeling quite under the weather and not quite himself. “Doctor, what is wrong with me?” The doctor replies “Its quite simple … you are suffering from a bout of accumulated depreciation”.|
|2||How do accountants suffer when they are not able to balance a trial balance?|
A very late night.
|3||Have you heard the one about the an accountant who is interesting?|
Nope? I haven’t either.
|4||What do accountants use for birth control?|
|5||What is a good definition of an accountant?|
Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
|6||What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? Popular|
|7||How can you tell you are talking with an accountant who is an extrovert?|
He is looking at your shoes instead of his own.
|8||What do actuaries do to liven up a party?|
They invite an accountant along.
|9||What is grey and not quite there?|
An accountant on vacation.
|10||How do you know when an accountant is on holiday?|
He doesn’t wear a tie and comes in after 8am!
|11||St Peter was talking with God one day and asked God why He had created economists? God replied “Its quite simple Peter … so our dear accountants had someone to laugh at”.|
|12||Dictionary definition of a budget: an orderly system designed by accountants for us to live beyond your means.|
|13||Why is it we find so many accountants who decide to become actuaries? They just found that book keeping way to exciting!|
|14||Dictionary definition of a tax shelter: a place of rest for homeless accountants.|
|15||Seen above the door to an accounting team of a local business: “Welcome, a place where everyone counts”.|
|16||How does an accountant come by fame and fortune? Has a tax loophole named after them.|
|17||A chicken once asked “So … why does an accountant cross the road then?”. Easy, to bore the people on the other side too.|
|18||Despite all the different specialty areas within the accounting profession, there are only three types of accountants at heart; the ones that can count and the ones that can’t.|
|19||Accountants are known for their “tactful” approach to client’s feelings. One accountant was overheard telling his client “The only reason why your business is looking up is because it’s flat on it’s back”.|
|20||If one was to cross a gorilla and an accountant, what would you get? A smarter accountant.|
|21||Doctor to the accountant “Read any novels lately?” Accountant “Nope, they only have page numbers in them … whats the point?”|
|22||Out of all the expenses that accounting recognises, which one is the tallest? Overheads.|
|23||Ever wondered what the three letters CPA stand for after an accountants name? Can’t Pass Again.|
|24||A husband walks back into the kitchen shaking his head after reading his young son the bed time story of Cinderella. His wife asks “What is the matter?’ The husband replies “I got to the part about the pumpkin turning into a golden carriage and Jimmy asked if that would be ordinary income or a capital gain!”|
|25||How do you know your child is going to be an accountant when they grow up? If after hearing Little Bo Peep loses her sheep they ask if there is a tax deduction available.|
|26||How did the accounting major student get such high grades at college? They paid off their “principal”.|
|27||Why did the accountant push wages down a hill? He wanted to see the payroll.|
|28||What kind of debt did the accountant, who thought of himself as bit of a secret agent, recommend to the board? A bond, James Bond.|
|29||Do you know what the difference between a lawyer an an accountant? No? Its quite simple … the accountant knows he is boring.|
|30||If you accountant is getting a bit loud at the office how do you get him to quiet down? Tell him to use his “invoice”.|
|31||What do accountants call vendors who have trouble telling the truth about where the payment is? A “supp-liar”.|
|32||If a lightbulb needs changing how many auditors does it take?|
What was the answer on last year’s file?
|33||How do you know an accountant is being a bit mean in the joke he is telling?|
He uses an a-cruel joke.