A profession that takes itself too seriously will have issues; fortunately, accountants generally don’t mind poking fun at themselves. Our collection of accounting jokes is growing; send yours through (your jokes, that is, not your accountant). Please use the comments section below or our contact us page. Enjoy.
|1||An accountant is visiting his doctor one day, feeling entirely under the weather and not quite himself. “Doctor, what is wrong with me?” The doctor replies, “It’s quite simple … you are suffering from a bout of accumulated depreciation”.|
|2||How do accountants suffer when they are not able to balance a trial balance?|
A very late night.
|3||Have you heard the one about the interesting accountant?|
Nope? I haven’t either.
|4||What do accountants use for birth control?|
|5||What is a good definition of an accountant?|
Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
|6||What do you call an accountant who is talking to someone?|
|7||How can you tell you are talking with an accountant who is an extrovert?|
He is looking at your shoes instead of his own.
|8||How come you never hear of an accounts receivable clerk accused of plagiarism in their work?|
Because they post the credit to others.
|9||What is grey and not quite there?|
An accountant on vacation.
|10||How do you know when an accountant is on holiday?|
He doesn’t wear a tie and comes in after 8 am!
|11||St Peter was talking with God one day and asked God why He had created economists?|
God replied, “It’s quite simple, Peter … so our dear accountants had someone to laugh at”.
|12||Do you know the dictionary definition of a budget?|
It is an orderly system designed by accountants for us to live beyond our means.
|13||Why is it we find so many accountants who decide to become actuaries?|
They just found that bookkeeping way too exciting!
|14||Dictionary definition of a tax shelter: a place of rest for homeless accountants.|
|15||Seen above the door to an accounting team of a local business: “Welcome, a place where everyone counts”.|
|16||How does an accountant come by fame and fortune?|
They have a tax loophole named after them.
|17||A chicken once asked, “So … why does an accountant cross the road then?”. Easy, to bore the people on the other side too.|
|18||Despite all the different speciality areas within the accounting profession, there are only three types of accountants at heart; the ones that can count and those that can’t.|
|19||Accountants are known for their “tactful” approach to client’s feelings. One accountant was overheard telling his client, “The only reason why your business is looking up is that it’s flat on its back”.|
|20||If one was to cross a gorilla and an accountant, what would you get?|
A smarter accountant.
|21||Doctor to the accountant “Read any novels lately?” Accountant “Nope, they only have page numbers in them … what’s the point?”|
|22||Out of all the expenses that accounting recognises, which one is the tallest?|
|23||Ever wondered what the three letters CPA stand for after an accountants name?|
Can’t Pass Again.
|24||A husband walks back into the kitchen, shaking his head after reading his young son the bedtime story of Cinderella. His wife asks, “What is the matter?’ The husband replies, “I got to the part about the pumpkin turning into a golden carriage, and Jimmy asked if that would be ordinary income or a capital gain!”|
|25||How do you know your child is going to be an accountant when they grow up?|
If after hearing Little Bo Peep loses her sheep, they ask if there is a tax deduction available.
|26||How did the accounting major student get such high grades at college?|
They paid off their “principal”.
|27||Why did Santa’s sleigh catch the eye of the US Department of Transport?|
They were concerned about elf and safety.
|28||What kind of debt did the accountant, who thought of himself a bit of a secret agent, recommend to the board?|
A bond, James Bond.
|29||Do you know the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?|
No? Its quite simple … the accountant knows he is boring.
|30||If your accountant is getting a bit loud at the office, how do you get him to quiet down?|
Tell him to use his “invoice”.
|31||What do accountants call vendors who have trouble telling the truth about where the payment is?|
|32||If a lightbulb needs changing, how many auditors does it take?|
What was the answer to last year’s file?
|33||How do you know an accountant is a bit mean in the joke he is telling?|
He uses a cruel joke.
|34||If the Army was to advertise for accountants, what could their slogan be?|
Be audit you can be!
|35||What is the most common cause of death for accountants?|
They lose their balance.
|36||Overheard at a tax conference. What is the difference between a tax accountant and a tax lawyer? The accountant knows he is boring!|
|37||It has been said about tax: “For doing wrong, you are taxed a fine. For doing well, you are fined a tax.”|
|38||What do you call an accountant without a sense of humour?|
|39||When a company’s CFO is getting a bit soft in his career, how do you know?|
He listens to the marketing department before saying “no” to them.
|40||Why do we have undertakers?|
Because not everyone has the charisma to be an accountant!
|41||During Santa’s tax audit by the IRS, the question of the employment status of his elves came up; were they employees or elf-employed?|
|42||Running an accountancy business isn’t easy as any small business. However, there are two golden rules in the accountancy world: 1. don’t tell the tax office everything you know; and 2. (redacted) …|
|43||Ever asked an accountant what the time is? I did this the other day. I asked Cliff, “what is the time”? He answered … ” It’s 14.18 and 36 seconds; no wait – 38 seconds, no wait – 40 seconds, no wait…… “. He’s still counting!|
|44||Why do most clown businesses fail?|
Because of the balloon payments.
|45||An accounting friend told me he sees the world differently… it’s a big bad accrual world out there.|
|46||Have you ever wondered how Santa values his sleigh for financial reporting purposes?|
He uses the net present value.
|47||An accountant walks into his doctor’s practice and says to the doctor, “doctor …I’ve got a problem … you know, down below. I think I have constipation.” The doctor asked, “what makes you think that?” The accountant replies, “I just can’t budget”.|
|48||The light bulb accounting jokes are the best … how many auditors do you think it takes to affix a lightbulb? I don’t know, so let’s check last years file.|
|49||How would an auditor go about proposing to his wife to be?|
Most likely using a letter of engagement.
|50||Did you know that telling accounting jokes is actually an accrual thing to do?|
|51||Why do accountants chuckle to themselves when they board the Tube in London?|
Because they are told to mind the GAAP.
|52||We all know that the best things in life are free … plus the tax, of course!|
|53||Why don’t credit controllers get invited to birthday parties much?|
They are well known for giving ageing reports.
|54||A recent comparison of university graduates found:|
1. The accounting major asked how much something cost;
2. The engineering major wanted to know how it was built;
3. The physics major asked how it works; and
4. The social studies major asked,… you want fries with that?
|55||Did you ever notice the humour of accountants can be quite self-deprecating?|
|56||Do you know what they say about the accounting profession?|
It’s an accrual profession, where everyone gets their assets worked off, but where everybody counts.
|57||An accountant on his first date that isn’t going so well … “you keep saying you have no interest, but your APR says otherwise”.|
|58||How do you know your local accountant is going through a mid-life crisis?|
He has upgraded to a faster calculator!
|59||Every profession has its truisms, and accounting is no different:|
a. working capital doesn’t;
b. bank reconciliations are not meant to;
c. a trial balance won’t; and
d. that return on investment will most likely not.
|60||You know what they say about the accountants …. no accounting for taste. While everyone else has no taste for accounting|
|61||What would you call your accountant if you found him without a spreadsheet?|
|62||Did you hear the story about how the copper wire came about?|
Two accountants were discussing how to share a penny.
|63||I bumped into an old friend of mine I hadn’t seen for many years. We had studied accounting at uni but had lost touch. He was pretty down, telling me his story:|
“I can’t believe I was sacked! I gave that company the best years of my life. I started just after turning 23 and then at 40 … sacked! No reason. I can’t believe it! 15 years of my life!
|64||What does an accountant have to do to liven up a party?|
|65||Why did the accountant decide to give his wife her Christmas present now, instead of weighting until Christmas day?|
Because he knows the importance of present value.
|66||How do you know someone in the office has asked for a pay rise?|
The accountant is laughing.
|67||How do you know that an accountant trashed a hotel room? It was left clean and tidy … but the guest comments card was torn up … and not left in the bin.|
|68||How do we know the IRS likes poor people?|
Because they appear to create so many of them.
|69||Which financial market did Santa’s accountant suggest he look into?|
|70||What is the most common reason accountants check themselves into rehab?|
|71||How do you know the accountant at work is trying to make a fashion statement?|
He wore a charcoal suit to work instead of the black one.
|72||Most people have trouble staying out of debt these days, but how does your accountant do it?|
By acting his wage.
|73||Do you know why the accountant was referred to as “shy and retiring”?|
They were just shy of a million dollars and therefore could take retirement.
|74||How do you know you are dealing with a bank rather than a rhinoceros?|
They will charge you more.
|75||What do actuaries do to liven up a party?|
They invite an accountant along.
|76||You may need to seek help if you start to refer to your child as Deduction 214 … you may be turning into a tax accountant!|
|77||Why does your monthly mortgage payment have trouble making friends?|
Because it is always a loan.
|78||Accountants are well known for being the … LIFO the Party.|
|79||An accountant to his psychiatrist … “I hear invoices”.|
|80||In accounting, what is a group of yachts called?|
Goods available for sail.
|81||What did Mark Twain say about taxidermists and tax collectors?|
The taxidermist takes only your skin.
|82||Dictionary definition of an auditor: “The backup arriving after the battle has finished, bayoneting the wounded.”|
|83||The lemon test for finding your next tax collector:|
Get a group of children together and give them all a lemon each. The ones that squeeze it dry are your next IRS inspectors.
|84||What is the difference between a calamity and a disaster?|
A calamity is a boat full of tax accountants going down at sea …. But a disaster is when they can all swim!
|85||How do you test if someone is an accountant?|
If they don’t realise GAP is also a clothing line … they are.
|86||Definition found for the abbreviation CPA … Cannibal Practicing Accountant; charing you an arm and leg.|
|87||Why did Santa come up for audit by the IRS?|
He missed the elf-assessment deadline.
|88||Why do the first years at the big 4 look forward to the weekends?|
They get to wear casual to the office.
|89||Have you ever wondered why accountants generally come across as calm, if not a bit cold?|
Their internal controls are good.
|90||Why was the accountant struggling in his music lessons?|
He only knew about Treasury notes.
|91||An accountant proudly tells his friends he cracked a “6 to 10 years” jigsaw puzzle in 24 weeks!|
|92||Dictionary entry for insolvency accountant: a person arriving late to a battle buries the wounded, sells their scattered possessions and then bills his time to the survivors.|
|93||How do you know your neighbourhood accountant works for a consulting firm?|
He gives the local kids selling lemonade on the sidewalk his top tips to improve their operations.
|94||Under US tax law, your children may bring about tax deductions, but they are still taxing on your finances!|
|95||How does one define Generally Accepted Accounting Practice?|
It’s quite simple, really …. it’s the difference between what we think we know, accounting theory, and what we do, accounting practice.
|96||I’ve always wondered why the 1040 form is called 1040. An accountant explained it to me … “it’s quite simple … for every $50 of your income, you get to keep $10, and they take $40”.|
|97||Why do savings accounts get so bored nowadays?|
Because they aren’t paying any interest!
|98||How you ever noticed that for each tax problem you face, there is a solution which appears to be simple, straightforward … and completely wrong?|
|99||What is the most often played piece of music at an accountant’s funeral?|
The Last Post.
|100||Why did the accountant push wages down a hill?|
He wanted to see the payroll.
|101||Accountant overheard speaking with a “challenging” client …|
Accountant: “Do you know what it means when all of your statements are in red?”
Client: “I need to change my ink cartridge?”
|102||I sign seen hanging over an accountant’s office: “Only accountants can save the world. Through peace, goodwill and reconciliations.”|
|103||One accountant to another working in the public sector … “Hey … we are government accountants … the numbers aren’t meant to add up”.|
|104||A client told me that he stopped doing his own taxes when his computer started snickering at him.|
|105||Of course, accountants are well known for their creative skills, and at a recent poem recital, this was on full display by a competitor … “Roses are red, violets are blue. One and one can equal two.”|
|106||Why did the accountant cross the road?|
So he could claim it on his travel expenses.
|107||Definition of an accountant:|
The person in an organisation most likely knows what is going on but is the least likely to do anything about it.
|108||Definition of a rebel accountant:|
Tempted to round the total off to the nearest nickel.
|109||In the jeans business, both the accounting and design departments have to keep an eye on the bottom-line.|